Ladies…Keep your Damn Legs Closed!!

Women please stop giving up the ass so fast!  You are a treasure and should be treated as one.  You complain endlessly about not being able to find a good man.  Of course not!  Some of you guys jump in the sack so quick with these guys, it makes my head spin.  No man wants to wife a woman that he banged on the first date.  He assumes you do that with every man you meet.  Can you blame him?  I’ve never respected a woman that will give it up on the first date or say, “You don’t need a condom, I’m clean.”  Yeah, whatever.  If you give it up on the first date, you’ve just been categorized as a ho by that man and that’s all you will ever be to him.

The women I respected the most in my life made me wait a month before we had sex.  She respected herself and made me respect her.  I knew at that point that I wasn’t just another notch on her bedpost.  It’s important to a man.  Some men don’t care, but most do.  A good man, anyway.

Respect yourself.  Make him wait.  If he doesn’t want to wait, let him go.  That’s one more headache and heartache you don’t have to deal with and one more doctor’s visit you don’t have to plan.

Now, if you just need a quickie, do what you got to do.  Don’t go backwards, though.  Some women go and hook up with exes because the sex was good.  C’mon ladies, there’s obviously a reason your not with him.  Let it go.

Whether you believe it or not, you’re a gift to a man.  You complete him.  And no matter what we say or how much we complain, we need you.  Can’t exist without you.  So cut out the fat – all those bum-ass men you associate with and look for quality.  When Mr. Quality comes along, you will have so much more to offer him.  Like a tight vagina.  Accept only the best.

All we ever have in this life is our self-respect.  Keep it.

She’s Do-able

Ladies!!  What is do-able, you ask?  Some of you guys have been the victim of it once or twice.  Do-able simply means your good enough to be laid, but not good enough to be a girlfriend or wife.  You look good in your apartment, but in public you have to stand one arm lengths distance away–don’t want anyone mistaking you for a girlfriend.

Simply put.  You and your friends get to the club about 11:30 pm and you’re ready to find Miss Right, excuse me, Miss Right now.  You strut confidently through the crowd gazing sexily into the eyes of each and every woman that you pass.  You’re sizing up your victim.  You get a little deeper into the club and the music is banging loudly and the dance floor is so packed you can’t walk through to the other side.  As you scan the club your eyes catch someone looking at you so you look back.  In that instance, you realize some ugly chick is checking you out.  Your friends are laughing and telling you to go talk to her, but you respond to the first friend, “Hell no, I wouldn’t hit that with your d**k!” And turning to the other friend, “and you pushing!”

Around 2-3am everyone is ready to leave and you didn’t have an ounce of luck with any of the ladies in the club.  You’re horny as hell and the only bit of satisfaction awaiting you is the 3-day trial membership of your favorite porn site.  Suddenly that chick you dissed 3 hours ago wasn’t that ugly.  You say to yourself, “She was do-able.”  Of course your saying this with your pants around your ankles in your lonely apartment.

Women and Sex…Does it really exist?

Women are crazy.  But we lovem’.  When they’re young, they want the bad boys.  You know the ones – breaks the rules, built like a brick, quiet or even rude.  Then women decide, “You know what, I can change him.”  After a few kids, a couple of broken hearts, and, in some cases, a couple of ass whippens, they realize the nice guy they dissed years back was the perfect guy to begin with.  And women have the power in the relationship anyway.  At the beginning, whose in charge?  You are!  You decide if we get the number, if we go out, and if we get to dip our nuggets in your sauce.  Am I right?  But…after we “do the do”, there is a shift in power – a disturbance in the force if you will.  Then we take over.  We decide what restaurants, TV shows, and the freaky level of the relationship.  Then we f**k up.  We do one of the following stupid things:  Cheat, not grow up, not look to the future, or simply have no goals or directions.  In the end, the power is returned to its rightful owner.

Ya see, women are auditioning to win the role of wife.  A role that looks great on the other side of the fence.  What’s the old saying?  The grass is always greener on the other side?  Well there you go.  So what do they do?  They do it like they never did it before!  They do every position imaginable–from froggy style to 69, damn near doing backflips off  the headboard.  Then our dumb asses give them a ring, because we think this is the way it will always be.  They are the perfect angels during the engagement.  For the first year everything is great.  Your all sore between the thighs, stomach muscles aching, and your sleeping like a baby.  Then after that first year, (whoooooosh) tumbleweeds are falling out the coochy.

But, do you know what really bugs me out about women?  The fact that they will stop giving their husbands or boyfriends sex then have the nerve to be shocked when they cheat.  What the hell is that?  We should not have to give up sex because they do, thats crazy!  That should be in the vows – to have, to hold, to bang the living hell out of your partner!  If you’re not gonna do it, then you should allow the other person to get their needs fulfilled elsewhere.  You may say I’m wrong, but that’s false advertising and that’s wrong!

And do it like you want to.  Don’t lay there like a damn doormat.  Move something.  Dance, pole dance.  Put on some hooker boots and perform.  If you cant walk in them then limp your ass around the bedroom, but do it.  Keep it crispy in the bedroom.  Don’t look at the d**k all sideways when its time to go downtown.  Enjoy it or let it go.  Because there’s someone else out there that will.  And orgasm!  Quit thinking so damn much, “Am i doing it right , is he happy, I hope he can’t feel that bump.”   Just do it!  Roll your eyes in the back of your head and scream out your man’s name (or the Lord’s name, whatever does it for you).  Make the neighbors jealous.  I want the police to show up because the neighbors called them thinking I was killing you!  Then after all the screaming, sheet ripping, sweating, biting, scratching, and huffing and puffing…do it again.